Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
just having fun
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
inappropriate Care Bears be like: