I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I have a place for everything. The floor.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
This was the best day of my life
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”