I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue