From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
You Might Also Like
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
For those that worship cheese..
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*