REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.