Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000