My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.