Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
You Might Also Like
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Real House Wines.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.