me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
A leaf blower, but for people.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶