satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
hi why am I like this
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.