If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there