Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
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Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
she has a point
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello