Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
They grow up so quick
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me and the Superbowl rn
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.