journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Monica just destroyed the internet