I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people