Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I hate my earbuds.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no