Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah