I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
where do you see yourself in five years?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.