For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
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BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???