Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I cannot call her anything else now
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.