Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
the answer was staring at me all along
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.