When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.