For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers