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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Cardio Made Easy
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.