Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Canada has crack?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.