Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
They must have gotten it to go.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it