mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Is….Is this an option?
Good morning!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…