This raises questions
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[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
$3 #books
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?