I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
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I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts