Stop correcting my vodkabulary
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
This bar smells like my childhood.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.