ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
the clam before the storm
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.