i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
You Might Also Like
new year update: losing everything but weight
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.