ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.