cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”