This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Yes, this is exactly right
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Print is alive and well!!!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”