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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I need to update my racial profile.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.