Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
mumsnet is amazing
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
If a snake ate a cake
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*