Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Mmmm. Shoeshi
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.