Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves