Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)