Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
(True)
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad