forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”