My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.