You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
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Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator