murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u