“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I want this so bad
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.