The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.