Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars