I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.