Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…